RELATIONSHIPS

Genesis records the creation story that includes the first human on day six. God placed Adam in the Garden of Eden to work it and take care of it. In Chapter 2 He said "It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him." In verse 20 it says that Adam named all the animals but no suitable helper was found (apparently a dog is not man's best friend). So God created Eve. 4 verses later the serpent talked her into eating the forbidden fruit that Adam had told her they couldn't eat, but he ate it also. In that moment their relationship with God changed forever, as well as ours. By chapter 7 God had flooded the earth but kept Noah and his family alive because Noah was a righteous man and walked with God. Chapter 9 verse 11 records God telling Noah " I establish my covenant with you: Never again will all life be cut off by the waters of a flood" (no mention of manmade bombs but the rainbow remains to remind us of his covenant).

We learn from other parts of the Bible that God made mankind to have a relationship with. By giving us freewill God knows that we can choose to love him or choose not to. I go through these facts to show that we were made to have relationships and different kinds. By the time God had to hand down the 10 Commandments to Moses it was obvious that rules had to be applied to the differing relationships. All indicate how our relationship should be with God and also with others. Husbands, wives, children, parents, brothers, sisters, neighbors, and even employers are all covered. Leviticus records even more details on how each of these relationships should be handled. Chapter 18 covers sexual relationships in great detail, so there's not any room to question what is right and what is wrong in God's eyes.

It's not enough to have a relationship, it needs to be a good relationship. Psalms 107 says "Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good; his love endures forever.....Whoever is wise, let him heed these things and consider the great love of the Lord". Jesus referred to it as loving your neighbor as yourself, and to clarify further he said we are to love our enemies. That same freewill we have to choose Jesus or not, is also available to be obedient to Him or not. This is not just hard at times, it is hard all the time. Flawed humans are very difficult to have good relationships with and making the attempt at the same time with multiple people can be exhausting. It's the rub that changes us. Iron sharpens iron and since we too are flawed the work in the relationships is what improves us. This is a key nugget of wisdom that requires some thought. All relationships require work and continual adjustments on our part. The process of learning about relationships begins when we are born with freewill.

In most instances the first relationship for a child is with their parents, usually led by the mother. Teaching, nurturing, protecting, touching, loving, and feeding are part of a seemingly one-way relationship. It is true we raise children to leave home but they will always be our children. As a child grows they expand their relationship world to relatives, friends and neighbors. With the possible exception of relatives, these relationships are often temporal, but a good time of learning. Then there are the romantic relationships that pop up in the teen years and by some point in their 20's a permanent relationship of marriage for the majority of people. If there was enough rub in those child relationships to improve each one, the marriage is a permanent commitment. Sadly, more and more marriages in our society are built on feelings so that when feelings change marriages end. Relationships are far more than feelings, but they're involved.

I read somewhere that politics is the lubricant of society. Although that visual picture in this political season is not pleasant, there is a point to be made. Politicians are looking for votes so they win by building a good relationship with voters. Some say what they think a majority want to hear and some say what they think, and hope a majority agree. In the modern age of media, how they say it becomes important as well. The 30 second sound bite is down to the 10 second sound bite in full high definition color with surround-sound. One bad sound bite that can be played over and over by a manipulative media can crush a campaign. That same step in a personal relationship usually comes in anger. "I wish I'd never said that" doesn't take back the feelings of hurt. I've been told it takes 10 to 12 positives to offset every negative. The same way to win in successful campaigns and relationships is to discipline the mouth. James Chapter 3 explains it this way: "the tongue is a small part of the of the body but it makes great boasts...the tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole person". Then verse 17 says "but the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere".

Successful relationships as well as successful political campaigns are very careful of words. In the December 2005 version of this blog we talked about the 5 love languages (words, service, time, gifts, and touch). We learned that most people have a dominant love language and one of those 5 mean far more to them than others. Improving and deepening personal relationships means providing love in the language of the one you are loving instead of the language that means more to you. It's yet another way to put the need of the other ahead of your own. It's an example of what the verse in the previous paragraph referred to as being submissive. Sometimes a man will buy an expensive gift for his wife whose love language is time (on his way out of town on a business trip) feeling like he's done a good thing, but creating a gap. Often what she perceives is the root of a feeling that he didn't care enough to schedule time with her, nor understanding her enough to know the gift had no more value to her than a toy. You can apply all the other languages and situations and find dozens of scenarios where the feelings that result don't match the intent. Those are in stark contrast to a relationship with someone where those gaps don't exist. The gap can also bring about a competitive relationship such as one that can lead to an affair with someone who "understands", or just a new friend to replace the previous one.

Casual relationships are even more difficult than close relationships as you know less about the other person. For some strange reason I can't understand most people treat strangers and those that they have a casual relationship with better than those that they love and have close relationships with. It's probably the fact that you know so little about them that makes you cautious. Domestic violence is perpetrated in our society by people who normally are not violent in other social situations. The knowledge gained by the deeper relationship is abused in a vain attempt to make the abuser feel more powerful. It's only one of the vile examples where one or both didn't learn earlier in life how to have a good relationship. It provides an emphasis for good parenting skills and how critical discipline is (see last months blog) in the life of children. Today's more urban culture results in more relationships than rural life of the past. More diversity in the United States means there are more cultural habits and beliefs that challenge relationships.

As mentioned earlier, God made mankind to have a relationship with, but sin entered the world through the deception of the serpent. This provided an enormous dilemma for God because He is righteous. The flood removed most of the sin from the earth but left a remnant on the ark. The Bible records how Noah's three sons, Shem, Ham, and Japeth, along with their wives populated the earth again. Generation after generation ignored the love God had for them and chose their own way, despite his commands to follow the law and a promise of a messiah. Then about 2000 years ago he sent Jesus to the earth. He taught, then shed blood as he died on a cross as a sacrifice for my sin and came back from the dead on the third day, overcoming death. John 3:16 says " For God so loved the world he gave his one and only Son, that whosoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life". Romans 5:8 says "But God demonstrates his love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us". Therefore faith in Jesus bridges the gap between a righteous God and sinful man so that there can be a good relationship. Submission to God allows his love to change you as well. 1st John 5:1-3 says "Everyone who believes that Jesus is the Christ is born of God, and everyone who loves the Father loves his child as well. This is how we know that we love the children of God: by loving God and carrying out his commands. This is love for God: to obey His commands...".

So, we've come full circle. The Bible explains that we were born to need relationships and how they should be structured. Our actions as well as our feelings stem from a prioritization of the relationships in our lives. We are each part of God's creation that are allowed the decision to choose or reject Him. Choosing (check the May 2005 blog entry on Cliff Note Christianity) means prioritizing that relationship above all others and spending an eternity with Him in heaven. Rejecting means an eternal separation from God, spending eternity in Hell, and your earthly relationships are only temporal at best. Choosing Him means also choosing others. Jesus said in Matthew 22: 37-39 "Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind. This is the greatest and most important commandment. The second is like it; Love your neighbor as yourself". We all have love for ourselves, demonstrated by actions such as eating and clothing ourselves. Selfishness and humility battle in each aspect of all our relationships. Jesus said he came to serve and we should be like him. A servant's heart in any relationship will enhance it greatly. In relationships, as in all other subjects where wisdom is needed, we only need to check out the Basic Instruction Before Leaving Earth (B.I.B.L.E.). Steven Post has even found that you live longer. His website at www.whygoodthingshappen.com examines how caring affects our length and quality of life and what he wrote in his book. Be careful not to try and do good things so that you'll benefit, but it is nice to know blessings follow.

Take a few moments to consider each relationship in your life today and the prioritization of time and focus that you give to it. Balance in life is critical (see February 06 blog) so there has to be a hierarchy in the many relationships you have. I value my relationship with God above my wife, my wife above my children, my children above my friends, my friends above my business partners etc. Interestingly the length of each of those relationships is shorter than the previous one. My willingness to submit my selfish desires in a subservient role to their desires also diminishes down the list. Is that a self-fulfilling prophecy due to what we've learned about good relationships or is it a healthy balance. We must each choose with the freewill God gave us.

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