Marriages die from isolation. Divorce is the final product of prolonged isolation. Sometimes this is referred to as communication issues. The busyness of life makes married couples married singles without a commitment and action plan to prevent it. Oneness or intimacy comes from spending time, sharing emotions, listening to each other, praying together so that things that can only be talked about with God is overheard by the other, and more. The choices you make determine the oneness you'll enjoy. Spiritual intimacy, physical intimacy, intellectual intimacy and emotional intimacy all comes from an action plan. It does not happen accidentally, it is a choice. It takes courage, work, faith, forgiveness, understanding and most of all time. There can't be any areas of life where you are isolated from each other.
Resolving conflict begins with a commitment to listen and understand. You have to decide to fight for your marriage and forgive each other. Forgiveness also means giving up the right to punish each other. The Bible is clear about marriage and how men and women should conduct themselves. It is also clear about humility, forgiveness, self-control, love and purpose (Titus 2 and 3, 1st Peter 3, James, Hebrews, and of course most of Ephesians). The sooner these steps are taken the smaller the pain, hurt, damage, confusion and regret there will be in the future.
Nobody likes rules as we are all born that way. However, the "rules" that we learn through a life of hard knocks has always been found in God's Word and his relationship with us. The same is true of marriages. Ephesians 1:4 says "long before he laid down earth's foundations, he had us in mind, had settled on us as the focus of his love". Mark 12:30 says "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and all your soul...". Life really is all about love. 1st Peter 4:8 says "Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins". John 15:7 even says "This is my command; love each other". Marriage really is all about love. Both in life and marriage we get into trouble by loving the wrong things. 2nd Timothy 3 describes the last days when God can't tolerate any more sin and brings the final judgement. Verse 2 says people will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to parents, ungrateful, unholy, without love, unforgiving... So the love that matters is loving others, putting others first. In a marriage relationship that is more defined. Ephesians 5 lays out how we are to live. Verse 21 says "Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ". Sometimes counselors will describe this as leaving the 50%/50% relationship behind and moving to a 100%/100% relationship. It's not easy, which is why we need strength from God to get that focus off of us or our worry that our 100% will be met by a far lower number in response. God said the entire law can be summed up in "love your neighbor as yourself". Imagine the requirement for loving a spouse in comparison.
1st John 3:18 says our love should not be just words and talk; it must be true love, which shows itself in action. My personal battle with this can correctly be defined as prioritization. We all have the same 24 hours each day, and the pressures of busyness are constant. I have desires to do things, be involved in things, remember important events and dates, but the reality is that a review of what I DID DO is how my life is prioritized. Take a look at your past week or month or even year and write down what you did. Surprised at where your time, attention and actions were spent? That's what you love. Does the percentage of time spent on each other say "You're Important"? The divine order of priority is Christ, spouse, children (if any), extended family, personal friends, church relationships (believers), work acquaintances, strangers (all of whom God calls upon us to love). Does the percentage of time spent with Christ say "You're Important"? Relationships take time and where time is not spent there will not be relationships.
I grew up in a poor family and in my childhood almost everyone I knew had more than me. Credit was a huge focus in my early adult life, as that was a path to more things than I could afford with the income from the positions I chose. Relationships, on the other hand, were more difficult and I was never taught their value, except by life. My relationship with church somehow got confused with my relationship with God. The poor relationship with my father (in hindsight) also affected my relationship with Jesus, as well as my mother, when they remarried after being divorced while I was a teenager. 1st John 4:19 says that we love because he first loved us, meaning we learn what LOVE is from God himself. 2nd John, verse 6 says this is love: that we walk in obedience to his commands. John 15:12 says "My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you". Revelations chapter 2 has some great things to say about people from Ephesus, then in verse 4 God says "Yet I hold this against you; You have forsaken your first love". Your first love from a priority standpoint is Jesus Christ.
The Bible is clear in the instructions about everything including marriage. In 1st Corinthians chapter 7 Paul talks about marriage and in verse 10 says " But to the married, I give instructions, not I but the Lord, that the wife should not leave her husband (but if she does leave, let her remain unmarried, or else be reconciled to her husband), and that the husband should not send his wife away". In Mark Chapter 10 Jesus explains that divorce is caused by the hardness of the heart, but what God has put together man is not to separate. The society we live in today usurps God's authority and provides a culture where relationships are temporal. Marriage is an expression of Christ and the church and Hebrews says that marriage is to be held in honor among all.
- - The Bible has needed instructions for us all !!
- Damage can't be undone quickly, so don't expect it !!
- Satan's tool to kill relationships and marriages is isolation !!
- We all choose our priorities, but there is a divine order !!
- Love in marriage is the same as Love in life !!
- Things will never satisfy - Relationships are all that last !!
